my cousin is in her first semester at Cal, studying Chemical engineering

she’s lived in Korea most of her life,

then a couple years in the Czech republic/Austria.

She studied super hard to get into school in the US,

and despite financial difficulties, was able to attend Berkeley.

We had dinner tonight at my grandma’s and she mentioned to my mom

that she was really happy because she got a 4.0 this semester.

A 4.0.

Her story is inspiring and i’m proud of all that she’s been through,

but now i’m under a shitload of pressure

and i feel like my family is criticizing my every move..

tonight we'll be drunk

we'll celebrate, we'll mourn.

our lives have changed

and we'll leave this place we've come to love.

Go back to California,

it'll be as if this part never happened.

A dream.

But don't let go of this dream.

Hold on to it, never forget this place

these people. Everything.

We'll drink to the good times,

we'll drink to the bad.

We'll drink and be merry,

hug and probably cry.

And we will dance.

Dance, because once we leave

the dancing won't come back with us.

So my friends, tonight we'll drink

and dance, and for once,

drink, but not to forget. To remember.

you're everything i never wanted;

but why can't i forget about you??

i'm rarely ever affected by other people's situations

but when it comes to those who are close to me,

it does have an affect.

i mean, it's none of my business, i know

but when i see you cry multiple times,

i sympathize.

as much as i try to act like i have no feelings,

i feel compassion for those i love.

and i love you. you are my best friend here.

when i see that you are hurt, i feel hurt as well.

i try to support you behind all of your decisions

and i don't voice myself when i feel like those decisions are not the best.

now i feel like i'm not a supportive friend by being passive.

i should have my voice heard.

this shouldn't be any of my business,

but after seeing that you've been hurt so badly

i can't help but cry.

i love you a lot, and i can't bear to see you like this.

i'm sorry that i couldn't stay with you for the night,

but i'm weak and i can't see you like this anymore.

i'm not a strong enough person.

but maybe that's what you need to see.

you need to see that this not only affects you,

but it affects those around you.

the ones you love.

we can't bear to see you like this anymore.

you need to stand up and stop this chaos.

we love you too much to see you so hurt.

i'm going to talk to you about this,

i need to show you how much of an affect this has

on your entire life.

i know there's no point in crying,

but i couldn't help but throw a little fit

when i found out my mom was working late.

this is my last day home for another month

for goodness'sake.

if only she had told me this morning, i would have taken my dad's

car. then i wouldn't be stuck at home all day.

what the fuck. i hate america for this.

for making it so that leaving the house is impossible without a car.

"just get more sleep and relax" my mom tells me.

if she only knew what little i did in sweden

she would understand that sleep is the last thing i need.

we don't even have food here.

fuck, i just want to be back in sweden.

it's cold and dark and gloomy there,

but being able to transport myself and being surrounded by friends is preferable

over being alone and lonely in sunny and warm california

familj

after a grueling 16+ hours of trekking it to the Bay

then searching endlessly for a dress on almost no sleep,

James and Jamie's wedding has finally come and gone.

it was such a joyous and beautiful event, i'm so glad to have

Jamie in our family now, and i hope she will continue to like us.

The wedding was a lot of fun, open bars are the greatest,

but i think i took it too seriously. But what can i say?

I am my father's daughter. we love our booze.

Being back home has been great, it's ridiculously warm here.

i'm wearing my brother's basketball shorts and they''re too warm.

I have blisters on my pinky toes from my shoes,

but i can deal with it.

James and Jamie and John and I went out for allyoucaneat kalbi tonight,

and now i'm dead tired.

i'm kind of sad that i have to leave on tuesday morning

i wish i had more time...

and i just found out jaewoo's going to korea on tuesday for three years!

he's going to the army! crazy. i knew he was leaving but i didn't realize why.

now i'm even more sad that i don't have a lot of time here..

but i will visit him in Korea for suuure.

i had in mind that this trip is strictly for family

and that is what i will do.

lately

i've been forgetting to miss you

and then i remember home and

i miss you all the more.

compassion

my heart is too full of compassion.

i never really learned how to express it

instead, i try to bury it deep inside

and wear a mask of callousness,

of folly and jest.

But this mask is transparent

and I can't control it.

i didn’t even know it was possible to wake up from a dream crying.

well, i guess if it’s happened with laughing in my sleep, the opposite could occur.

highlights:

• me being sick in Sweden & having to call the cops/ambulance
• the cop car getting hijacked by a robber(?)
• people right next to me getting shot
• me almost getting shot
• people trying to help us
• my having the opportunity to shot the bad guy
• not being able to shoot the bad guy because i can’t kill anyone
• so i shoot at the air instead to prevent anyone else getting hurt
• last bullet ending up in bad guy’s neck because someone grabs the gun from me
• finally being reunited with my family
• trying to cope with the aftermath of what just happened
• family dinner/funeral
• Aunt who passed away last December makes a cameo (she never died in my dream, but every time i dream about her it evokes a lot of emotion)
• dad and cousin fighting over nothing
• dishes breaking
• trying to keep my cool
• emotional breakdown
• mom rubbing my back telling me that it’s okay to cry in situations like this

then i actually wake up sobbing.

this might be in connection with me Skyping with my mom slightly buzzed at 5am last night/morning. i guess i really miss her more than my conscious self realizes..

and damn, my dreams are way too vivid.

S

sometimes i feel a little guilty. the weather is brisk and the sky is blue. I walk past all of the vibrant colors of fall, the ancient red brick buildings covered in vine, all the beautiful people in their scarves and pea coats on the cobblestone roads. Autumn is perfect here.

I feel as if i’m living your high school dream, and i wish you were here. But maybe all of this was meant to be. It’s not exactly what we had in mind, but does it feel as ‘right’ to you as it does for me? I hope so. I hope that in ten years we’ll all be sitting together and looking back at these experiences scattered around the world. The future seems glorious. It’s glorious now.

Swedish film

with each silent/b&w film i watch,

and with each page i read in our texts,

the more melancholy i feel

for not being able to be a film studies major

when i had the chance.

In class, I marvel at the use of double exposure and

the whole concept of sujet, while my classmate,

an actual film&media studies major,

naps during the screenings.

I look forward to attending this class every week

and felt so sad today when i couldn't attend the excursion

to the film museum in Kristianstad today because of Viking Age Scandinavia.

Will I feel the same enthusiasm for any of my actual studies?

Hopefully my love for reading will be rekindled as i

take on the English major when I get back home

and I'll feel as excited as i do about film.

I'm so afraid of messing up again.

My friends talk about grad school all the time,

and I just sit there, unsure even about my current studies.

In a couple of years, will I look back and feel regret?

Am I living life to the fullest?

Is there a clear balance between work and play

or have I just been fooling myself?

loneliness

if i can't fight it off by being around people,

sleep will do the trick.

but when the sun sets

i never want to sleep.

I can't ever bring myself to get in bed

before 2am anymore.

I don't know why I do this to myself,

make myself feel this way.

Sunday

It's been a while since i've been to church.

A pretty long time, actually.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

I'm not quite sure of who I am.

you really got a hold on me

drunk slut. bitchass. whore. motherfucker. cunt. dick.

We call each other names. In jest, of course.

We throw fists, slaps, kicks. Never enough to really hurt anyone.

This is how our friendship is. Tough love.

I love the way it is.

Loved the way it was, I guess I should say.

I'm leaving in four days.

The last time I saw you, it wasn't a very significant event.

The last two times I saw you, you wouldn't even get up out of your seat

to give me a goodbye hug.

I'll be gone for six months.

I know I'll be back, but I still would have liked a big bear hug.

When I drink, sometimes I text you.

You're usually asleep, but I never thought you'd be so irritated by it.

I know that last night's string of texts was the result of binge drinking,

but couldn't you have at least ended it with the reassurance that it was all in jest?

Because at that point, I honestly couldn't tell.

Why do I care so much? I don't want to care at all.

I'm upset over something you don't even realize.

This apology shouldn't even be necessary, I know, I know.

But can't you just tell me that you hate me because I'm leaving?

Or that you'll miss me, you drunk slut?

Damn you.

You really got a hold on me.

The Rocket Summer

During my freshman year of high school,

i found out about Bryce Avary's band through my friend Gail,

who i met in P.E.

I remember her giving me a mix cd in the locker room one day.

To this day, a bunch of the artists on that cd are still some of my favorites,

but the Rocket Summer really stuck to me.

It amazes me, being able to listen to the albums

"Calendar Days" and "Hello, Good Friend" today,

six years after falling in love with them,

and still have them evoke the same emotions as they did back then.

His lyrics can either be super real and applicable to life,

or just be so cutesy-cheesy-full of so much love that for a second i forget about being a cynic and just allow myself to dream about having a love like the ones described in his songs.

Even though my life has changed, as well as my perspectives on life,

The Rocket Summer is still one of my favorite bands..

one of those bands that i love to listen to while driving long distances,

on full volume, singing along loudly and badly.

no house, no home

Currently, I am homeless.

Well i have a place to stay,

i just don't have a bed or

anywhere i feel like is my own little space.

Even back in the Bay, at my "home" home

i don't even have my own place.

It really is quite a strange feeling.

I'm currently surrounded by people i love,

who love me back,

but at the same time, i can't help feeling really lonely.

There are a lot of weird feelings going on inside of me,

and i don't know if i can express them

because i feel like they're really petty and

i don't really have a place to be whining about stupid shit

like the way i feel about the smallest things.

I kind of just want to go home,

back to the Bay

where i can avoid this unnecessary awkwardness

that i can't express because it doesn't really exist

(if that makes any sense at all, which i'm sure it doesn't)

Looking back, i haven't really changed.

Is this selfish of me?

to believe that i am giving more than i am receiving?

Is it selfish of me to feel unappreciated?

Or maybe i'm just not allowing myself to see that i am,

because i just want to wallow in my own self pity.

What. the.

I make no sense, to anyone, to myself.

Am i self-centered?

we probably all are, a little bit.

isn't this what a blog is for?

so we can just talk about ourselves as much as we want

and not have to worry about listening to anyone else's rants.

Stop. This. Nonsense.

follies

because of some stupid decisions i made,

i received a failing grade on my first Shakespeare paper.

Fortunately for me, my professor showed some mercy

and gave me a chance to re-write the paper.

He's going to average out the failing grade with the grade of the re-write,

and this rewrite is to be

turned in at the same time as the second paper,

which happens to be in 5 hours.

Two papers due in one day.

Now, being the procrastinator that i am,

before this occurrence, i have never once finished a paper

more than a couple hours before it's due.

This has been quite a feat for me.

I finished the first paper at midnight,

and got started on the second one at 2am.

Finished it at approximately 630.

I have to submit one paper to the course website,

and the re-write directly to my professor, but

I haven't decided which paper to turn into where..

This is a tough decision.

I spent a lot of time on the first paper i wrote,

but i feel like the second one is better because

in my opinion i work best under intense time limits.

So now i'm just waiting for Nancy to wake up so she can proofread them and

tell me which one is better.

Moral of the Story:

I'm an idiot.

when you're not around

i want you to be here.

When you are here,

i don't really mind.

We joke, we're merry,

we share some great times.

What is this?

Does it mean anything at all?

i have a new friend

i've been friends with him for about two weeks now,

and we get along well and he seems to be legitimately interested in what i say.

But you know what the funny thing about our friendship is?

We go to the same school, but I have yet to meet him in person.

It's pretty weird, I know,

and I think we're going to be meeting for the first time tomorrow.

I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

every night i have a new something to worry about

last night:

crap i need to study so hard for this psychopathology midterm

but i can't concentrate because i missed the deadline for getting my health

cleared through student health

where/how will i find a private physician?

shit shit shit get back to studying about depression/suicide/bipolar/mania/anxiety.

tonight:

crap what am i going to do? i need to go home,

but i have so much stuff to take care of here at school..

i want to see my aunt and the twins

but at the same time i want to go to extravaganza.

will my dad let me take my car back to school?

sweden sweden sweden

i don't have time to sleep i need to study study study

why can't i concentrate during the day

why do i always end up staying up all night

it's a horrible, never ending cycle of thoughts gliding in and out of consciousness.

i can't even focus on one single worry

HARD: BLOODY BEETROOTS

the bloody beetroots put on one of the most amazing shows ever,

almost right after Muse..

everyone went crazy when steve aoki came out and sang with them..

the opening DJ's were whatever,

Designer drugs was pretty gnarly.

Overall, my first "rave" was a pretty good experience

but honestly,

i think i was happiest when i was driving home with my friends,

amy, kristen, brian, mike.

I didn't say anything,

but just being in the car with them

and thinking about all of the crazy shit we've done together..

big bear, backpacking, HARD...

i'm really glad to have met them here,

they're making my college experience so memorable.

"i wanted to call you and tell you that i love you, and thank you for being such a good daughter.."

the aches i felt in my heart when my mom said this to me

makes me feel so guilty

because of all of the things i do while I'm away from home,

but at the same time glad

because at least she has me to think of

and be proud of in her own times of hardship.

sbiff

nancy and i were downtown yesterday
to kind of get a scope of this year's
santa barbara international film festival,
hoping to score some free tickets from
some elderly couple who were sick of watching
movies or something..

anyway, we went to get some crepes
and got to talking with these elderly sisters
who were in sb for the film festival
along with a huge group of other seniors.

after conversing with them
i told nancy that when we're sixty,
we have to meet up again in santa barbara
and go to the film festival.

then i got to thinking about my aunt
and how if she was still with us
i could thoroughly imagine her doing something like that..
travelling and doing cool things like attending film festivals
even at an old age...

it's still really strange
knowing that i'm not going to see her anymore
i feel like i still owe her so much for everything she did for me.

knocking at my door

At around 2:30,
Amanda texts me telling me that she's studying in Caje
and that there is a cute man sitting next to her
reading the bible and that i should marry him.
I was already thinking about studying there,
so i head over and sit with her.
I read 'Meeting Jesus again for the First Time'
for my religious studies class.
Next to Amanda is this guy immersed in his study bible,
and next to me is a couple talking about the book of Deuteronomy.
Across from us sits two guys talking about their spiritual lives.
Four separate parties
all connected by one God,
whether it be for personal or academic purposes,
I still felt His presence there.

boy crazy

i wish it wasn't like that.
I wish i didn't have so many high hopes
just to have them shot down.

Weights

I got into stats!

A huge burden has been lifted from me.

I don't have to take summer school

(unless i fail this)

but i kind of want to stay here..

We got a place to live for next year,

it's right across the street

and at least 100$ cheaper a month.

God really does provide.

Maybe this means I'll be getting the job at caje??

We will see.

Cops

"don't sit on the curb, you'll get arrested..

"don't worry, they can't see me behind this car.

Oh kristen,

i should listen to what you say.

Thank God there was a girl stupider than me

with a red cup in her hand.

Part Time

Psychology 5:

Introductory Statistics.

You're making my life miserable.

Not because your content is too difficult,

no,

because I'm currently attending these classes

without being enrolled in it.

I'm doing the reading, doing the homework.

I need this class.

Without it,

I'm not a full time student,

I won't be able to take Psych7 next quarter,

I'll have to take summer school,

meaning I won't be able to go home at all.

Please. This is killing me.

I'm stressed out and it's so ridiculous

the only thing i can do is wait.

I feel so helpless.

"just kiss him, give him a kiss on the cheek at least..."

oh, but it's easier said than done.

Drawers

I've been writing in diaries for a long time.
Never all that consistently,
but i find myself always going back to
one of my many journals and write about my life.
I've gone through so many unfinished notebooks,
i can't even count
But there's this one incident that never fails to leave my mind.
When i was a kid,
i had this diary that had this huge built-in
compartment to store knick-knacks.
I couldn't tell you what i had written in it,
or what i had stored in the compartment
(actually, i think i stored some sentimental buttons
or gemstones and such)
but when we moved,
i realized it had disappeared.
It made me pretty upset,
and to this day
i regret losing it.

Secrets

I love exchanging smiles

with strangers.

You don't know them at all,

yet you have this relationship

that's so subtle and fleeting

As if you share a secret

that will never be shared again.

Criagslist

I really want to post a 'Missed Connections,'

reaching out to that one who i felt a spark with,

got along so well with

but never actually got his name.

It doesn't even have to be that we actually spoke,

maybe i would have just caught you staring,

and you caught me staring back.

Maybe at a coffee shop,

or walking across campus.

However it may be,

i would love to one day post something

on Craigslist under 'Missed Connections.'

Like the Lion of Oz

I get such butterflies
even when i just think about
writing on his facebook wall.
I feel such mixed emotions,
excited and hopeful
yet foolish and full of doubt.
The lack of confidence
and assertiveness
prevents me from
actually living out
my dreams
(even though these dreams
are actually quite realistic).
Like the Lion of Oz,
i would really just like to have
some courage.
The courage to finally break through;
meet the people i want to meet,
and experience what i've always
talked about.