do you feel

i've come to the realization that i don't know how to feel appropriate feelings.

i don't know how to be angry

i smile and usually laugh during sad situations

and cry after a movie's happy ending.

when i get angry, i'm only angry for a split second,

and then i either shrug it off or nearly cry.

this makes me want to cry.

everything makes me want to cry today.

i don't like it.

you know that feeling,

that feeling they call heartbreak

where the pit of your heart feels like it's being pulled down into some dark, dark hole...

so far that you lose your breath and it feels like suffocation,

like your entire body just freezes up and dies..

you squeeze your eyes tight-- try to keep the tears from falling out

and you can't do anything but try to catch your breath and

hope it won't happen again because it just hurts. so. fucking. much.

there's nothing you can do about it;

whatever you tell yourself to try to make you feel better doesn't work.

you're heart knows the truth and you can't convince your heart the

same way that your mind might be tricked.

all you can do is say sorry. over and over.

then wait and just hope this pain will go away.

but it won't, at least not until i can somehow take yours away.

unfortunately, sorry just isn't enough.

apparently

my love is not enough for you.
i don't know what i can do to convince you that i love you.

do you want me to completely cut off ties to all the guys i know?
because you know, i'd do that for you.

i told you i would change
but that would mean i would lose most of my friends.

i don't know what to do.

alcohol turns you into a monster i cannot tame.

this feeling

this feeling in my heart that seems to penetrate my soul
whenever i'm next to you..
i don't know how to interpret is.

when i'm looking into your eyes
it feels like heartbreak
it takes hold of it and squeezes all life out of it.

i have to hold my breath and turn my face away from you
while my heart drops down into my gut.
i bury my face into my pillow as i try to hold back the tears
that choke me.

but i don't understand,
this isn't how i feel.

let's rewind, back two years ago

when we were drunk on the 6800block,

just walking around. It doesn't matter where we were going.

Do you remember our conversation?

I do. I was complaining loudly about how nobody loved me,

and that nobody ever would.

Jump back a little, back home in Union City,

where we were getting pho together.

Umma sighing, contemplating the day where it wouldn't be just the three of us,

but two more people eating lunch with us.

She asked, jokingly, if you thought i would ever find someone to love me.

You replied no.

We laughed, but secretly i believed it.

Jump back to a couple months ago, then look at where i am now.

Me, the girl who never thought she was capable of letting anyone in,

let alone finding someone that would even like her enough,

is struggling to keep someone who is being eaten up with jealousy.

When did i become this girl? When did i become capable of driving someone this crazy?

Since when did my behavior towards my friends, my guy friends, become flirtatious?

How long has it been since i've been recognized as a feminine creature towards the opposite sex?

I can't answer these questions. It's still hard for me to even believe these truths,

but here we are. Once again, trying to work things out.

Heartbreak, heartache. I just want us to be happy.

I just want you to trust me,

have faith in me. And know that i wouldn't ever try to let you down.

Who do you think i am?

How could you compare me to those girls from your past?

I wish we could just have a chance to sit down and talk for hours.

Let me tell you about how I've been raised, with my oppas warning me about the evils of man,

never to trust them, that they're only out for one thing.

And i've lived by those teachings, no matter how much i tried to shrug them off.

But for once this is such a different issue,

this time i'm untrustworthy?

This is so exhausting,

but i'm going to keep fighting.

I'm probably an idiot. For so many reasons.

is my love not enough?

do i have to give up my social life in order for you to love me and trust me

as much as i do?

must i give up the things i like to do for you to me confident in what we have?

i tried to make things good. i try so hard.

but am i trying to hard?

is this all in vain?

we both have our faults, no one is perfect;

why can't we accept that?

love whiplash

as i reflect on what my life has become

i can't help but be angry and disgusted at how i am.

so insane

you make me crazy but

i think i make you a little crazy as well.

there have been a lot of ups and downs,

some serious ups and downs,

but in the end, we're still here

and i would like it to stay this way for a while...

spring quarter has begun

Sunday night was interesting.

Invited the friends over for kalbi,

headed over to Madrid to hang out.

The usual.

The usual weekend happenings.

And then...

Kind of like the first Sunday back from Sweden.

Being away for so long makes things become way escalated.

But it's over and done with,

let's see what the future holds in store..

fine=boring

but boring is a helluva lot better

than being tormented out of my mind

by my own thoughts.

we're at a good place.

slowly becoming less cynical

and defensive..

opening up to react in a "normal" way

and trying not to cringe

at those sweet nothings.

look how far we've gone

or at least look how far i've gone!

who would have thought.

actually,

probably a lot of people.

but who would have thought

it would be like this!

it's not the typical sort of situation,

nope.

i know we don't talk much

partly because i don't know how to express myself very well verbally

textually, i'm not so great either.

But hopefully you read this

so you do know.

When all of the madness began i cried out to God a lot

asked him why He chose you.

Why this child had to go through all this pain.

I still remember those days so vividly.

I asked Him why it couldn't have been me.

You were too young.

I didn't think you were strong enough for this.

I wanted to take away the pain from you,

you didn't do anything to deserve this.

We went through some tough times as a family.

But you know what?

I see how much you've grown.

You're strong, healthy, responsible.

This is a part of who you are now,

and you've accepted it and you're making the best of it.

The fact that you've overcome trials

makes me so proud of you.

I know i don't know the full extent of what it must be like--

or how you feel inside.

This is probably a bit cowardly of me,

trying to communicate through a blog.

It's stupid, i know.

But this is the only way i know how to really talk to you, I suppose.

You've grown a lot.

You're not that helpless little boy anymore.

You hold your own, you've got your own opinions and beliefs that you carry,

not wavered by what others say.

I've always prayed that you'd be smarter and more successful than me.

And from what interactions we have had,

you really are.

(You better not get too cocky about this)

But i'm proud of you. So ridiculously proud.

I only want the best for you.

I want you to be the best you can be.

My only concern is that you still think highly of me as well.

It doesn't even have to be a fraction of the way i feel.

I probably don't have much to show,

but i want you to be alright with me.

I don't know where i'm going with this.

I've been awake all night.

You're going to read this and think I'm lame

But i just want you to know

you're always in my thoughts.

sorry you can't sleep because of me

just forget i ever existed

just so you know

don't think i live my life without a second thought.

I'm constantly reminded of the decisions i make

and the fact that i'm not the same person i was three years ago.

There are parts of this lifestyle that the old me would look down upon.

I'm sure you look down on me too,

though that is the last thing i want.

Ultimately, these are my decisions

and i just hope that one day i'll figure myself out,

eventually getting back on the right track again

without falling off the deep end.

I'm proud of the decisions you make and the

fact that you choose your spirituality over the temporal,

and i hope that the way i've chosen to live

hasn't affected your overall opinion of me.

I love you and I've always wanted the best for you.

all those things you said

to me made me excited, yet terrified.

You have such high hopes, you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I take things with a grain of salt, question everything

and fear for the worst.

I'd rather deal with you breaking my heart

than knowing that I shattered yours.

I don't want to hurt you.

if distance is what you need

that is what i will give you.

It's the least i can do.

I'm sorry for being so naive,

you mean the world to me.

when i'm with you

my mind doesn't feel as crazy

and things just aren't as confusing.

something i realized last night

all those little flaws, the physical flaws

that i would once have deterred me from being attracted to someone

don't matter once you develop a bond with them.

i like the slight scruff on your face,

your nasty stubbly neck beard.

that scar on your arm, and that mole.

the fact that you have three cowlicks,

and your hair is so damn soft.

he's not the one that i dreamed of

but he'll do just fine.

life

is good,

yet terrifying.

i'm starting to open up

and it scares me to no end.

words of wisdom

J: haha ok well IF you do, don't get attached and be one of those crazy girls

i mean, i guess you can but try to tone it down

me: i'm so afraid of being one of those girls

J: oh no no no

it's in our blood not to be one of those girls

J: we are the kind of girls that turn men into those kind of girls

me: it's in our blood to have trouble liking anyone at all

J: it's true which in turn makes them pussys

J: the guys in our family are all little ladies

J: you might as well have your heart broken now

it happens at least once in your life

this barrier

is slowly being broken down,

bit by bit.

and you know what?

it scares the shit out of me.

i'm trying so hard to stay nonchalant

but i care. too much.

how do i express this?

i don't know how to communicate properly.

at least not verbally.

i obviously have no problem expressing myself through my keyboard.

fighting my feelings is draining.

i'm tired. so tired.

am i waiting for you?

you said you'd wait for me.

i thought after we had the talk i'd feel better.

i did feel better.

then i started getting nervous again

after hearing these new things.

it's nerve-wracking and consuming. still.

ughhhhhh.

hmmmmmm.

february 14th, around 430am.

the night i became a lot less confused.

some progress has been made;

extremely slow, but steady progress.

but i can tell by the way we hug

something's changed.

i hope i'm not over thinking it.

He told me not to put all my eggs in one basket.

p.s.

Kristen-- you'll always be my number one:

remember that.

you

i'm done fighting these feelings

it's exhausting.

so this must mean something, no?

if i'm trying this hard not to like you

does that mean i actually do?

remember that one night

you told me all those things.

they might just have been meaningless,

spoken out of drunken stupidity.

but they haunt me.

say something to him!

that's they all tell me.

i wish it was that easy.

i wish i was good at talking

good at confronting

good at knowing what i actually want.

what i want is you to say something.

say something, please.

but say it when you're sober.

i'm surrounded by people i came to love
two and a half years ago.
living back in this little town
called isla vista.
a town beautiful within its grime and imperfection..
but why do i still feel alone
why do you affect me so much
you shouldn't be able to consume my thoughts this much.
is this all apart of that chase we are so addicted to?
whatever it is,
i want it to stop.
i just want to be content.

don't get me wrong,

i'm ecstatic that i'm back in this place i love so much,
but i'm feeling a bit gloomy.
Not quite sure why.

My thoughts keep wandering back to Friday night,
when my mind continued to scream at me
"What is this?

I still don't know.
and knowing me
i probably will never know.