victory shall be mine

cold and clammy hands and feel
the feeling of falling through infinity.
life was meaningless, endless and so
so exhausting.
the future meant nothing
time was nothing.
i was nothing.
just a part of a cycle that wouldn't end
intertwined within each other,
like pieces of a puzzle.
it swirled and sucked me into its pattern
and wouldn't let me go.
i tried and tried
to seek God
but for some reason,
i felt as if He was not there.
that's when i realized,
i had just experience my biggest fear.

tonight i felt such an expanse range of emotion.
it started off with me being in this really dark hole
of depression i've never felt before.
as if i had no purpose in life,
as if there was no God.

Thank God i went to the intervarsity banquet.
after dinner we went to see the UCSB gospel choir concert.
those three hours were so necessary
to get out of the dark hole i was in earlier.
just to hear the voices
sing praise to God,
made me remember that He does exist,
and He created everyone as an individual-
specifically for His purpose.
the choir leader just told us to continuously thank God,
for the things He's done, and what He will do.
and that through Him,
we can overcome our giants-
our struggles and hardships-
and have victory.

if i hold my peace,
let the Lord fight my battles;
i know that victory shall be mine.
victory shall be mine

tonight i feel like i really defeated the devil in my heart.
not only through hearing the choir,
but also from singing along, clapping my hands,
and just reflecting on all the great things i've been blessed with in my life.

after the concert,
i went to a Real Life (the other christian organization) dance party
and i danced.
danced so hard.
danced all my troubles away.
i had so much energy left over from the concert,
there was no way i couldn't dance.
i needed to just shake and shimmy
the rest of my dark thoughts
and continue to fight the devil through dance.

I am so thankful
that i have such a christian network here.
i can't express how grateful i am.

i've made such a huge mistake today
by letting myself become prey,
but God's presence tonight has really,
truly become known.

Victory.