no house, no home

Currently, I am homeless.

Well i have a place to stay,

i just don't have a bed or

anywhere i feel like is my own little space.

Even back in the Bay, at my "home" home

i don't even have my own place.

It really is quite a strange feeling.

I'm currently surrounded by people i love,

who love me back,

but at the same time, i can't help feeling really lonely.

There are a lot of weird feelings going on inside of me,

and i don't know if i can express them

because i feel like they're really petty and

i don't really have a place to be whining about stupid shit

like the way i feel about the smallest things.

I kind of just want to go home,

back to the Bay

where i can avoid this unnecessary awkwardness

that i can't express because it doesn't really exist

(if that makes any sense at all, which i'm sure it doesn't)

Looking back, i haven't really changed.

Is this selfish of me?

to believe that i am giving more than i am receiving?

Is it selfish of me to feel unappreciated?

Or maybe i'm just not allowing myself to see that i am,

because i just want to wallow in my own self pity.

What. the.

I make no sense, to anyone, to myself.

Am i self-centered?

we probably all are, a little bit.

isn't this what a blog is for?

so we can just talk about ourselves as much as we want

and not have to worry about listening to anyone else's rants.

Stop. This. Nonsense.

follies

because of some stupid decisions i made,

i received a failing grade on my first Shakespeare paper.

Fortunately for me, my professor showed some mercy

and gave me a chance to re-write the paper.

He's going to average out the failing grade with the grade of the re-write,

and this rewrite is to be

turned in at the same time as the second paper,

which happens to be in 5 hours.

Two papers due in one day.

Now, being the procrastinator that i am,

before this occurrence, i have never once finished a paper

more than a couple hours before it's due.

This has been quite a feat for me.

I finished the first paper at midnight,

and got started on the second one at 2am.

Finished it at approximately 630.

I have to submit one paper to the course website,

and the re-write directly to my professor, but

I haven't decided which paper to turn into where..

This is a tough decision.

I spent a lot of time on the first paper i wrote,

but i feel like the second one is better because

in my opinion i work best under intense time limits.

So now i'm just waiting for Nancy to wake up so she can proofread them and

tell me which one is better.

Moral of the Story:

I'm an idiot.

when you're not around

i want you to be here.

When you are here,

i don't really mind.

We joke, we're merry,

we share some great times.

What is this?

Does it mean anything at all?

i have a new friend

i've been friends with him for about two weeks now,

and we get along well and he seems to be legitimately interested in what i say.

But you know what the funny thing about our friendship is?

We go to the same school, but I have yet to meet him in person.

It's pretty weird, I know,

and I think we're going to be meeting for the first time tomorrow.

I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

every night i have a new something to worry about

last night:

crap i need to study so hard for this psychopathology midterm

but i can't concentrate because i missed the deadline for getting my health

cleared through student health

where/how will i find a private physician?

shit shit shit get back to studying about depression/suicide/bipolar/mania/anxiety.

tonight:

crap what am i going to do? i need to go home,

but i have so much stuff to take care of here at school..

i want to see my aunt and the twins

but at the same time i want to go to extravaganza.

will my dad let me take my car back to school?

sweden sweden sweden

i don't have time to sleep i need to study study study

why can't i concentrate during the day

why do i always end up staying up all night

it's a horrible, never ending cycle of thoughts gliding in and out of consciousness.

i can't even focus on one single worry

HARD: BLOODY BEETROOTS

the bloody beetroots put on one of the most amazing shows ever,

almost right after Muse..

everyone went crazy when steve aoki came out and sang with them..

the opening DJ's were whatever,

Designer drugs was pretty gnarly.

Overall, my first "rave" was a pretty good experience

but honestly,

i think i was happiest when i was driving home with my friends,

amy, kristen, brian, mike.

I didn't say anything,

but just being in the car with them

and thinking about all of the crazy shit we've done together..

big bear, backpacking, HARD...

i'm really glad to have met them here,

they're making my college experience so memorable.

"i wanted to call you and tell you that i love you, and thank you for being such a good daughter.."

the aches i felt in my heart when my mom said this to me

makes me feel so guilty

because of all of the things i do while I'm away from home,

but at the same time glad

because at least she has me to think of

and be proud of in her own times of hardship.