i'm rarely ever affected by other people's situations

but when it comes to those who are close to me,

it does have an affect.

i mean, it's none of my business, i know

but when i see you cry multiple times,

i sympathize.

as much as i try to act like i have no feelings,

i feel compassion for those i love.

and i love you. you are my best friend here.

when i see that you are hurt, i feel hurt as well.

i try to support you behind all of your decisions

and i don't voice myself when i feel like those decisions are not the best.

now i feel like i'm not a supportive friend by being passive.

i should have my voice heard.

this shouldn't be any of my business,

but after seeing that you've been hurt so badly

i can't help but cry.

i love you a lot, and i can't bear to see you like this.

i'm sorry that i couldn't stay with you for the night,

but i'm weak and i can't see you like this anymore.

i'm not a strong enough person.

but maybe that's what you need to see.

you need to see that this not only affects you,

but it affects those around you.

the ones you love.

we can't bear to see you like this anymore.

you need to stand up and stop this chaos.

we love you too much to see you so hurt.

i'm going to talk to you about this,

i need to show you how much of an affect this has

on your entire life.

i know there's no point in crying,

but i couldn't help but throw a little fit

when i found out my mom was working late.

this is my last day home for another month

for goodness'sake.

if only she had told me this morning, i would have taken my dad's

car. then i wouldn't be stuck at home all day.

what the fuck. i hate america for this.

for making it so that leaving the house is impossible without a car.

"just get more sleep and relax" my mom tells me.

if she only knew what little i did in sweden

she would understand that sleep is the last thing i need.

we don't even have food here.

fuck, i just want to be back in sweden.

it's cold and dark and gloomy there,

but being able to transport myself and being surrounded by friends is preferable

over being alone and lonely in sunny and warm california

familj

after a grueling 16+ hours of trekking it to the Bay

then searching endlessly for a dress on almost no sleep,

James and Jamie's wedding has finally come and gone.

it was such a joyous and beautiful event, i'm so glad to have

Jamie in our family now, and i hope she will continue to like us.

The wedding was a lot of fun, open bars are the greatest,

but i think i took it too seriously. But what can i say?

I am my father's daughter. we love our booze.

Being back home has been great, it's ridiculously warm here.

i'm wearing my brother's basketball shorts and they''re too warm.

I have blisters on my pinky toes from my shoes,

but i can deal with it.

James and Jamie and John and I went out for allyoucaneat kalbi tonight,

and now i'm dead tired.

i'm kind of sad that i have to leave on tuesday morning

i wish i had more time...

and i just found out jaewoo's going to korea on tuesday for three years!

he's going to the army! crazy. i knew he was leaving but i didn't realize why.

now i'm even more sad that i don't have a lot of time here..

but i will visit him in Korea for suuure.

i had in mind that this trip is strictly for family

and that is what i will do.

lately

i've been forgetting to miss you

and then i remember home and

i miss you all the more.

compassion

my heart is too full of compassion.

i never really learned how to express it

instead, i try to bury it deep inside

and wear a mask of callousness,

of folly and jest.

But this mask is transparent

and I can't control it.