hello love

i don't feel like writing anything today.
but this is how break's been so far.

mister lonely

this movie is sad.
extremely,
beautifully
melancholy.

at first it seems as if life is great,
a commune of impersonators,
all living in harmony,
as copycats of famous figures.
but living in a fantasy world ends one day.
as the black sheep fall sick and must be killed,
reality hits,
and everything starts to fall apart.

"a star dies in the sky every night,
and every morning a new star is born.
it waits for the night to arrive so that
it can be seen once again"

perspective.
life doesn't have to be difficult,
too long to bear.
and things can change.
you don't have to be stuck being the same thing,
the same person forever.
we can change.

one hundred times

this is my hundredth post.
what does it mean?
nothing, really.
just that i post a lot.
and i have like,
176 views,
which i am extremely surprised about.
people actually read this?
no,
they probably just stumble upon it then leave.

new life church!
how i've missed thee.

ok,
i'm moving on to the original reason for this post:

my future.

i have decided (early on) that i will leave everything up to God.
one night i listened to a speaker who said
God laughs at our plans for the future
because chances are,
those plans are probably different from what God has in store for us.
wherever i feel God leading me towards,
i will go.
i'm going with the flow.
which leads me to the Ancient Chinese philosophy, Daoism (Taoism)
Daoism is basically the philosophy of just allowing life to happen without interference.
it's not something i've recently discovered.
in Tripping last year,
one of the most memorable phrases i've picked up from Mr. McCullough is
"Accept what is" (along with "Always with heart")
The presence of Daoism has been evident in my life,
but it's just recently discovered the name of
(which was in my world history class last quarter)

it just makes so much sense to me.
i wish i had a good analogy to go with this,
but all the ones i'm thinking of kinda suck.
my mom is good with analogies.
i need to learn from her.

but yeah.
Daoism.
it's great.
i've been meaning to buy this.
so far, i've just been going to bookstores and reading bits of it.
i'llget it eventually.
also,
i need to read everything by A.A Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh.
why?
'cause i less than three pooh.

umma

my mother.

i have taken her for granted.
not seeing her for so long has made me realize that.

tonight,
as we shared a delicious homecooked meal at midnight,
my mom and i talked for two wonderful hours.
i told her about what i learned in college,
history, religion, and her experiences with college.

during our talk,
i came to realize how wise my mom is.
i always tried to zone out the things she said to me,
as if they were just meaningless jibber jabber.
but as i actually took the time to really listen to her advice,
i see things so much more clearly.

i was so scared to tell her about some aspects of my college life,
the weekends, the undie run, especially after what happened last night.
but an hour into our conversation,
i decided to tell her everything.

and you know what?
she is so understanding.

my mother is one of the most conservative people i know,
and yet has no problem with me participating in the undie run.
she understands that this is the culture of UCSB,
it is a ritual.
it is just like reading Harry Potter.
we don't believe in magic,
in fact,
we are totally against magic.
but we still read and enjoy these novels,
because it is a part of our culture.

in the same way
the undie run is our way of releasing stress from finals
and liberating ourselves.
this is what we do.

i don't regret it at all
it has nothing to do with my faith in God,
or expressing myself as a Christian.

i love my mom-
she is amazing.
the wisest woman i know.

not to mention,
i got an A on the religious studies term paper,
which i wrote about my mom.
smileyface for days.

this is what i know

God created me, you, every one and every thing in this world.
We are all sinners,
we were born sinners,
and there's nothing we can do about it.
Except believe that Jesus Christ was sent
to this world
to die for us,
for our sins.
And through him,
we are saved.

I believe in the Great Commission,
that we as disciples of Christ
are to spread his word
and save the rest of the world.
I am the light and salt of the world.
My life, my actions,
express my faith.

Jesus taught us to love one another,
especially our enemies.
I believe that we are made in the image of God,
therefore accepting everyone as they are.

Where is this post leading to?
I'm not sure.

i don't know what to feel.
angry at myself?
ashamed?

I do things that people may not see as appropriate.
I don't want to make up excuses for what i do.
but what's done is done.
and i can't say i regret it.

My God is a merciful God,
an understanding God.

My relationship with Him may fluctuate at times,
but my faith in Him is strong,
And maybe my views differ from yours,
about how we represent God,
but in the broad view of things,
we all have to agree,
that this God i believe in,
is the same God you believe in.
My perspective differs from yours.
we all carry our flaws,
God sees beyond that.

Agree to disagree.

This world is changing.
I'm not saying that it means we should accept all things,
and all beliefs that people hold in society today,
but America is a nation of manyness and pluralism.
Thisis a nation of such diversity,
Protestants of all different demoninations.
I think that's the beauty of america.
you may think that we live in a degenerative world,
where as the world gets older,
the worse humanity gets.

But i believe in the natural goodness of people.
call me naive.

(is this post even getting anywhere?)

today i realized
that i hold different beliefs to a few of those i care about.
i'm not sure what to do about it.
There are so many things up in the air,
and honestly,
i can't handle it right now.
It hurts to have to disagree with those i love,
but i'm going to have to.

When i go home,
i might have to face some confrontations.
maybe not.
We'll see.

I have a final tomorrow at noon.
I don't really want to deal with this anymore.

God doesn't burden us with anything we can't handle.
Let's see what i get out of this.

sweet dreams, sweet cheeks

next year's dwelling units.

we signed the lease today,
and we move in in June 2009.
omgosh.

pop! goes the weasel

tonight was mtnastyface's last night.
we celebrated.
with karaoke and hair dye.
nastyface has a red handprint on the back of his head.
steven has brown spots.
they were supposed to be purple,
but when i washed his hair out,
the purple washed out.
OOPS!.


we're going to sign a lease on a house tomorrow.
how exciting;
growing up.

the ocean breathes salty

after a few hours of studying,
my friend amy says "we should go jump in the ocean tonight.

so we did.

at one am, we put on our swimsuits,
drove down the street
and ran into the sea.

the ocean is amazing.
especially at night.
it looks and feels so calm,
yet terrifying at the same time.

yeah, it was freezing,
but i quickly got over it as my body numbed.
i didn't want to leave.

i could play in the water
all day and all night.

cremate me when i die,
and scatter my ashes into the sea
so i can float on forever.

my lack of skill

of faith,
of strength,
of courage.

don't think about it.
just keep studying.

"cast your cares on the Lord
and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall."
Psalm 55:22


what a roller coaster.

heartbeats

two days since the trip
and i still feel scared thinking about it.

it's just put so much fear on my mind,
especially concerning the future.

eternity is so frightening.

i didn't go to church today.
i'm not sure why.
i just felt very unmotivated and lazy.

tonight was fun though.

borders to study.
of course, no studying was done
-on my part, at least.
read art books.
sparked my desire to start stenciling again.
and crochet.

i bought a plain notebook-
i wanna start drawing my days
even though i cannot draw for crap.
this time i'm gonna try
i think i have it in me to draw something.
maybe.

later tonight-
pomegranate,
smoke bubbles and rings,
french inhale.

no, i'm not stressing about finals.
not yet, at least.
i still have a couple days
i'll get on it soon enough.

my next project:

victory shall be mine

cold and clammy hands and feel
the feeling of falling through infinity.
life was meaningless, endless and so
so exhausting.
the future meant nothing
time was nothing.
i was nothing.
just a part of a cycle that wouldn't end
intertwined within each other,
like pieces of a puzzle.
it swirled and sucked me into its pattern
and wouldn't let me go.
i tried and tried
to seek God
but for some reason,
i felt as if He was not there.
that's when i realized,
i had just experience my biggest fear.

tonight i felt such an expanse range of emotion.
it started off with me being in this really dark hole
of depression i've never felt before.
as if i had no purpose in life,
as if there was no God.

Thank God i went to the intervarsity banquet.
after dinner we went to see the UCSB gospel choir concert.
those three hours were so necessary
to get out of the dark hole i was in earlier.
just to hear the voices
sing praise to God,
made me remember that He does exist,
and He created everyone as an individual-
specifically for His purpose.
the choir leader just told us to continuously thank God,
for the things He's done, and what He will do.
and that through Him,
we can overcome our giants-
our struggles and hardships-
and have victory.

if i hold my peace,
let the Lord fight my battles;
i know that victory shall be mine.
victory shall be mine

tonight i feel like i really defeated the devil in my heart.
not only through hearing the choir,
but also from singing along, clapping my hands,
and just reflecting on all the great things i've been blessed with in my life.

after the concert,
i went to a Real Life (the other christian organization) dance party
and i danced.
danced so hard.
danced all my troubles away.
i had so much energy left over from the concert,
there was no way i couldn't dance.
i needed to just shake and shimmy
the rest of my dark thoughts
and continue to fight the devil through dance.

I am so thankful
that i have such a christian network here.
i can't express how grateful i am.

i've made such a huge mistake today
by letting myself become prey,
but God's presence tonight has really,
truly become known.

Victory.

have i told you lately

i forgot to mention,
i have the best roommate ever.
she came home yesterday and handed me something wrapped in a CASE shirt
(she completed CASE btw, congrats!
we have her certificate pinned to the wall.
i'm proud of her)
anyway,
she got me this!

i'm so excited to start it.
she's the best,
and i wish her luck on her finals.
she's studying now.
i'm watching her read and takes notes.
ok, not watching her.
that's creepy.

summer day (alternate version)

i finished my paper before two am!
hooray for me.
when did i start this 1,800 word essay you ask?
last night i wrote a two page outline, and i had some research done.
i wrote eight pages tonight.
yay me.

ever since we rearranged our room,
it's a lot more people friendly.
so we have more people in here more often.
meaning we stay up later.
it's fun,
but i need to catch up on sleep.

i'm feeling ok confident about finals.

we smoked hookah yesterday, at michael's house
me, nancy, steven, and MTNASTYFACE.
i can blow smoke rings!
and do the french inhale.
we also made smoke bubbles.
super pretty.

ok.
goodnight.
my blogs suck now.
too lazy.