my year in lists

it's funny
i thought i'd feel alright about it
it's not about being vulnerable,
rather,
about having the power to do so.

looking back,
i feel stupid.
it was stupid.

i'm adding something new to my new year's resolution list.

anyway.
i think i really am going to go into psychology.
psychology one is great.
the professor is amazing,
and the mind is amazing.
terrifying, too, i might add.

lately i've been getting these really disturbing thoughts,
is my perception really reality?
or is reality something that is bigger than my thoughts.
idk.
it sounds ridiculous and nonsensical.
it makes sense in my mind
wait, no.
it doesn't make sense.
but every once in a while i find myself lost.
i can't find my mind.
am i dreaming?
or have my thoughts just consumed me-
so much that i can't even differentiate between what i think is happening
and what is actually happpening.

this sounds like i'm on drugs.
i'm not.
i wish i could blame it on drugs.
idk idk idk.