every night i have a new something to worry about

last night:

crap i need to study so hard for this psychopathology midterm

but i can't concentrate because i missed the deadline for getting my health

cleared through student health

where/how will i find a private physician?

shit shit shit get back to studying about depression/suicide/bipolar/mania/anxiety.

tonight:

crap what am i going to do? i need to go home,

but i have so much stuff to take care of here at school..

i want to see my aunt and the twins

but at the same time i want to go to extravaganza.

will my dad let me take my car back to school?

sweden sweden sweden

i don't have time to sleep i need to study study study

why can't i concentrate during the day

why do i always end up staying up all night

it's a horrible, never ending cycle of thoughts gliding in and out of consciousness.

i can't even focus on one single worry

HARD: BLOODY BEETROOTS

the bloody beetroots put on one of the most amazing shows ever,

almost right after Muse..

everyone went crazy when steve aoki came out and sang with them..

the opening DJ's were whatever,

Designer drugs was pretty gnarly.

Overall, my first "rave" was a pretty good experience

but honestly,

i think i was happiest when i was driving home with my friends,

amy, kristen, brian, mike.

I didn't say anything,

but just being in the car with them

and thinking about all of the crazy shit we've done together..

big bear, backpacking, HARD...

i'm really glad to have met them here,

they're making my college experience so memorable.

"i wanted to call you and tell you that i love you, and thank you for being such a good daughter.."

the aches i felt in my heart when my mom said this to me

makes me feel so guilty

because of all of the things i do while I'm away from home,

but at the same time glad

because at least she has me to think of

and be proud of in her own times of hardship.

sbiff

nancy and i were downtown yesterday
to kind of get a scope of this year's
santa barbara international film festival,
hoping to score some free tickets from
some elderly couple who were sick of watching
movies or something..

anyway, we went to get some crepes
and got to talking with these elderly sisters
who were in sb for the film festival
along with a huge group of other seniors.

after conversing with them
i told nancy that when we're sixty,
we have to meet up again in santa barbara
and go to the film festival.

then i got to thinking about my aunt
and how if she was still with us
i could thoroughly imagine her doing something like that..
travelling and doing cool things like attending film festivals
even at an old age...

it's still really strange
knowing that i'm not going to see her anymore
i feel like i still owe her so much for everything she did for me.

knocking at my door

At around 2:30,
Amanda texts me telling me that she's studying in Caje
and that there is a cute man sitting next to her
reading the bible and that i should marry him.
I was already thinking about studying there,
so i head over and sit with her.
I read 'Meeting Jesus again for the First Time'
for my religious studies class.
Next to Amanda is this guy immersed in his study bible,
and next to me is a couple talking about the book of Deuteronomy.
Across from us sits two guys talking about their spiritual lives.
Four separate parties
all connected by one God,
whether it be for personal or academic purposes,
I still felt His presence there.

boy crazy

i wish it wasn't like that.
I wish i didn't have so many high hopes
just to have them shot down.

Weights

I got into stats!

A huge burden has been lifted from me.

I don't have to take summer school

(unless i fail this)

but i kind of want to stay here..

We got a place to live for next year,

it's right across the street

and at least 100$ cheaper a month.

God really does provide.

Maybe this means I'll be getting the job at caje??

We will see.