spring quarter has begun

Sunday night was interesting.

Invited the friends over for kalbi,

headed over to Madrid to hang out.

The usual.

The usual weekend happenings.

And then...

Kind of like the first Sunday back from Sweden.

Being away for so long makes things become way escalated.

But it's over and done with,

let's see what the future holds in store..

fine=boring

but boring is a helluva lot better

than being tormented out of my mind

by my own thoughts.

we're at a good place.

slowly becoming less cynical

and defensive..

opening up to react in a "normal" way

and trying not to cringe

at those sweet nothings.

look how far we've gone

or at least look how far i've gone!

who would have thought.

actually,

probably a lot of people.

but who would have thought

it would be like this!

it's not the typical sort of situation,

nope.

i know we don't talk much

partly because i don't know how to express myself very well verbally

textually, i'm not so great either.

But hopefully you read this

so you do know.

When all of the madness began i cried out to God a lot

asked him why He chose you.

Why this child had to go through all this pain.

I still remember those days so vividly.

I asked Him why it couldn't have been me.

You were too young.

I didn't think you were strong enough for this.

I wanted to take away the pain from you,

you didn't do anything to deserve this.

We went through some tough times as a family.

But you know what?

I see how much you've grown.

You're strong, healthy, responsible.

This is a part of who you are now,

and you've accepted it and you're making the best of it.

The fact that you've overcome trials

makes me so proud of you.

I know i don't know the full extent of what it must be like--

or how you feel inside.

This is probably a bit cowardly of me,

trying to communicate through a blog.

It's stupid, i know.

But this is the only way i know how to really talk to you, I suppose.

You've grown a lot.

You're not that helpless little boy anymore.

You hold your own, you've got your own opinions and beliefs that you carry,

not wavered by what others say.

I've always prayed that you'd be smarter and more successful than me.

And from what interactions we have had,

you really are.

(You better not get too cocky about this)

But i'm proud of you. So ridiculously proud.

I only want the best for you.

I want you to be the best you can be.

My only concern is that you still think highly of me as well.

It doesn't even have to be a fraction of the way i feel.

I probably don't have much to show,

but i want you to be alright with me.

I don't know where i'm going with this.

I've been awake all night.

You're going to read this and think I'm lame

But i just want you to know

you're always in my thoughts.

sorry you can't sleep because of me

just forget i ever existed

just so you know

don't think i live my life without a second thought.

I'm constantly reminded of the decisions i make

and the fact that i'm not the same person i was three years ago.

There are parts of this lifestyle that the old me would look down upon.

I'm sure you look down on me too,

though that is the last thing i want.

Ultimately, these are my decisions

and i just hope that one day i'll figure myself out,

eventually getting back on the right track again

without falling off the deep end.

I'm proud of the decisions you make and the

fact that you choose your spirituality over the temporal,

and i hope that the way i've chosen to live

hasn't affected your overall opinion of me.

I love you and I've always wanted the best for you.

all those things you said

to me made me excited, yet terrified.

You have such high hopes, you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I take things with a grain of salt, question everything

and fear for the worst.

I'd rather deal with you breaking my heart

than knowing that I shattered yours.

I don't want to hurt you.

if distance is what you need

that is what i will give you.

It's the least i can do.

I'm sorry for being so naive,

you mean the world to me.

when i'm with you

my mind doesn't feel as crazy

and things just aren't as confusing.