something i realized last night

all those little flaws, the physical flaws

that i would once have deterred me from being attracted to someone

don't matter once you develop a bond with them.

i like the slight scruff on your face,

your nasty stubbly neck beard.

that scar on your arm, and that mole.

the fact that you have three cowlicks,

and your hair is so damn soft.

he's not the one that i dreamed of

but he'll do just fine.

life

is good,

yet terrifying.

i'm starting to open up

and it scares me to no end.

words of wisdom

J: haha ok well IF you do, don't get attached and be one of those crazy girls

i mean, i guess you can but try to tone it down

me: i'm so afraid of being one of those girls

J: oh no no no

it's in our blood not to be one of those girls

J: we are the kind of girls that turn men into those kind of girls

me: it's in our blood to have trouble liking anyone at all

J: it's true which in turn makes them pussys

J: the guys in our family are all little ladies

J: you might as well have your heart broken now

it happens at least once in your life

this barrier

is slowly being broken down,

bit by bit.

and you know what?

it scares the shit out of me.

i'm trying so hard to stay nonchalant

but i care. too much.

how do i express this?

i don't know how to communicate properly.

at least not verbally.

i obviously have no problem expressing myself through my keyboard.

fighting my feelings is draining.

i'm tired. so tired.

am i waiting for you?

you said you'd wait for me.

i thought after we had the talk i'd feel better.

i did feel better.

then i started getting nervous again

after hearing these new things.

it's nerve-wracking and consuming. still.

ughhhhhh.

hmmmmmm.

february 14th, around 430am.

the night i became a lot less confused.

some progress has been made;

extremely slow, but steady progress.

but i can tell by the way we hug

something's changed.

i hope i'm not over thinking it.

He told me not to put all my eggs in one basket.

p.s.

Kristen-- you'll always be my number one:

remember that.

you

i'm done fighting these feelings

it's exhausting.

so this must mean something, no?

if i'm trying this hard not to like you

does that mean i actually do?

remember that one night

you told me all those things.

they might just have been meaningless,

spoken out of drunken stupidity.

but they haunt me.

say something to him!

that's they all tell me.

i wish it was that easy.

i wish i was good at talking

good at confronting

good at knowing what i actually want.

what i want is you to say something.

say something, please.

but say it when you're sober.