there must be something wrong

if i have to constantly
tell myself to be happy.

be happy.

do you feel

i've come to the realization that i don't know how to feel appropriate feelings.

i don't know how to be angry

i smile and usually laugh during sad situations

and cry after a movie's happy ending.

when i get angry, i'm only angry for a split second,

and then i either shrug it off or nearly cry.

this makes me want to cry.

everything makes me want to cry today.

i don't like it.

you know that feeling,

that feeling they call heartbreak

where the pit of your heart feels like it's being pulled down into some dark, dark hole...

so far that you lose your breath and it feels like suffocation,

like your entire body just freezes up and dies..

you squeeze your eyes tight-- try to keep the tears from falling out

and you can't do anything but try to catch your breath and

hope it won't happen again because it just hurts. so. fucking. much.

there's nothing you can do about it;

whatever you tell yourself to try to make you feel better doesn't work.

you're heart knows the truth and you can't convince your heart the

same way that your mind might be tricked.

all you can do is say sorry. over and over.

then wait and just hope this pain will go away.

but it won't, at least not until i can somehow take yours away.

unfortunately, sorry just isn't enough.

apparently

my love is not enough for you.
i don't know what i can do to convince you that i love you.

do you want me to completely cut off ties to all the guys i know?
because you know, i'd do that for you.

i told you i would change
but that would mean i would lose most of my friends.

i don't know what to do.

alcohol turns you into a monster i cannot tame.

this feeling

this feeling in my heart that seems to penetrate my soul
whenever i'm next to you..
i don't know how to interpret is.

when i'm looking into your eyes
it feels like heartbreak
it takes hold of it and squeezes all life out of it.

i have to hold my breath and turn my face away from you
while my heart drops down into my gut.
i bury my face into my pillow as i try to hold back the tears
that choke me.

but i don't understand,
this isn't how i feel.

let's rewind, back two years ago

when we were drunk on the 6800block,

just walking around. It doesn't matter where we were going.

Do you remember our conversation?

I do. I was complaining loudly about how nobody loved me,

and that nobody ever would.

Jump back a little, back home in Union City,

where we were getting pho together.

Umma sighing, contemplating the day where it wouldn't be just the three of us,

but two more people eating lunch with us.

She asked, jokingly, if you thought i would ever find someone to love me.

You replied no.

We laughed, but secretly i believed it.

Jump back to a couple months ago, then look at where i am now.

Me, the girl who never thought she was capable of letting anyone in,

let alone finding someone that would even like her enough,

is struggling to keep someone who is being eaten up with jealousy.

When did i become this girl? When did i become capable of driving someone this crazy?

Since when did my behavior towards my friends, my guy friends, become flirtatious?

How long has it been since i've been recognized as a feminine creature towards the opposite sex?

I can't answer these questions. It's still hard for me to even believe these truths,

but here we are. Once again, trying to work things out.

Heartbreak, heartache. I just want us to be happy.

I just want you to trust me,

have faith in me. And know that i wouldn't ever try to let you down.

Who do you think i am?

How could you compare me to those girls from your past?

I wish we could just have a chance to sit down and talk for hours.

Let me tell you about how I've been raised, with my oppas warning me about the evils of man,

never to trust them, that they're only out for one thing.

And i've lived by those teachings, no matter how much i tried to shrug them off.

But for once this is such a different issue,

this time i'm untrustworthy?

This is so exhausting,

but i'm going to keep fighting.

I'm probably an idiot. For so many reasons.

is my love not enough?

do i have to give up my social life in order for you to love me and trust me

as much as i do?

must i give up the things i like to do for you to me confident in what we have?

i tried to make things good. i try so hard.

but am i trying to hard?

is this all in vain?

we both have our faults, no one is perfect;

why can't we accept that?