THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE HAVING EXPECTATIONS

nothing ever works out the way you want it to.

God laughs at your petty attempt to take control of your life.

We're just not meant to plan out each part of our life,

expect to get everything we want.

Life just doesn't work out that way.

This is one of those vital lessons i learned in

Psych3 in High school.

I think it's time to bust out my old notebooks

and remember my old motto:

Accept what is"

and to just go with the cussing flow.

heavenly arms

Last night was by far the most heartbreaking night of my life.

and what's sad

is that I know for a fact it's not the end.

Death is inevitable,

I wish it wasn't so sad.

deadweek

this term has more meanings than i wish it did.

My aunt passed away yesterday morning,

her funeral is on Sunday.

I have to help write a eulogy;

how do you write a eulogy?

How do you express the love and gratitude

you feel for someone

when it all feels so inexpressible?

She had no kids,

we, her nieces and nephews, were her kids.

She took us to the movies, let us sleep over her house,

then would treat us to breakfast.

I would love going to her house;

she always lived in the coolest places.

Even though she lived alone, her house was huge and beautiful.

I regret not being able to visit her more often when she moved to San Ramon.

Then she got sick.

This whole period is kind of a blur.

My parents never really informed me about much;

just that she had cancer, and it was really bad.

I wish... I wish for a lot of things.

I wish she got better.

She expressed to my cousin Jenny and I her wished to go to Korea this winter.

No matter how weak she was, she wanted us to be her support as she revisited her home.

I think by that point, she had accepted her limited time left on earth.

I wish we could have done that for her.

I'm glad I at least got to see her one more time

last Sunday.

Her face lit up when she saw my brother and me.

She was so happy, but I saw that she wasn't doing well.

I told her she looked good,

that her hair was growing back well.

How I was jealous her eyebrows were so naturally shaped.

I promised her that I would come back and visit her again

as soon as I came home for winter break.

I'm sorry it turned out like this.

I'm sorry you're gone,

and I really hope you're in a much better place now.

el perro del mar

listen to her,
her voice is mesmerizing,
angelic.
her lyrics, heartbreaking.

it sucks

but i can't hate him.
as much as i would like to- want to
i want to be a good friend,
but there will always be a part of me
that remembers the past
and the fond memories i have of it.
it's too much of a part of me to throw away,
and i feel like a horrible person for it.
I'm sorry.

Dear God

Dear God, I'm trying hard to reach you
Dear God, I see your face in all I do
Sometimes it’s so hard to believe in
Good God I know you have your reasons

Dear God I see you move the mountains
Dear God I see you moving trees
Sometimes it’s nothing to believe in
Sometimes it’s everything I see

Well I’ve been thinking about,
And I’ve been breaking it down without an answer
I know I’m thinking aloud but if your love's
Still around why do we suffer?
Why do we suffer?

Dear God, I wish that I could touch you
How strange sometimes I feel I almost do
And then I'm back behind the glass again
Oh God what keeps you out it keeps me in

Well I’ve been thinking about,
And I’ve been breaking down without an answer
I know I’m thinking aloud but if your loves
Still around why do we suffer?
Why do we suffer?

-Monsters of Folk, Dear God

halloween

on the night of halloween i texted my neighbor
(the one i have a huge crush on)
"_____ happy halloween"
and went to sleep

that morning i woke up to his reply
"Jennifer i love you :)"

and let me tell you,
that is the best way to start a morning.

well, i guess he was rolling pretty hard that night
(since he was at a rave that night)
and high on shrooms
but idgaf,
it made my day.