Swedish film

with each silent/b&w film i watch,

and with each page i read in our texts,

the more melancholy i feel

for not being able to be a film studies major

when i had the chance.

In class, I marvel at the use of double exposure and

the whole concept of sujet, while my classmate,

an actual film&media studies major,

naps during the screenings.

I look forward to attending this class every week

and felt so sad today when i couldn't attend the excursion

to the film museum in Kristianstad today because of Viking Age Scandinavia.

Will I feel the same enthusiasm for any of my actual studies?

Hopefully my love for reading will be rekindled as i

take on the English major when I get back home

and I'll feel as excited as i do about film.

I'm so afraid of messing up again.

My friends talk about grad school all the time,

and I just sit there, unsure even about my current studies.

In a couple of years, will I look back and feel regret?

Am I living life to the fullest?

Is there a clear balance between work and play

or have I just been fooling myself?

loneliness

if i can't fight it off by being around people,

sleep will do the trick.

but when the sun sets

i never want to sleep.

I can't ever bring myself to get in bed

before 2am anymore.

I don't know why I do this to myself,

make myself feel this way.

Sunday

It's been a while since i've been to church.

A pretty long time, actually.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

I'm not quite sure of who I am.