Pink Scarf

Today my mom came up to me

with tears in her eyes

and handed me a pink scarf.

She said

"Your aunt bought this for you,

before she died,

planning to give this to you for Christmas.."

It's kind of unbelievable, really

that she's gone, just like that.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE HAVING EXPECTATIONS

nothing ever works out the way you want it to.

God laughs at your petty attempt to take control of your life.

We're just not meant to plan out each part of our life,

expect to get everything we want.

Life just doesn't work out that way.

This is one of those vital lessons i learned in

Psych3 in High school.

I think it's time to bust out my old notebooks

and remember my old motto:

Accept what is"

and to just go with the cussing flow.

heavenly arms

Last night was by far the most heartbreaking night of my life.

and what's sad

is that I know for a fact it's not the end.

Death is inevitable,

I wish it wasn't so sad.

deadweek

this term has more meanings than i wish it did.

My aunt passed away yesterday morning,

her funeral is on Sunday.

I have to help write a eulogy;

how do you write a eulogy?

How do you express the love and gratitude

you feel for someone

when it all feels so inexpressible?

She had no kids,

we, her nieces and nephews, were her kids.

She took us to the movies, let us sleep over her house,

then would treat us to breakfast.

I would love going to her house;

she always lived in the coolest places.

Even though she lived alone, her house was huge and beautiful.

I regret not being able to visit her more often when she moved to San Ramon.

Then she got sick.

This whole period is kind of a blur.

My parents never really informed me about much;

just that she had cancer, and it was really bad.

I wish... I wish for a lot of things.

I wish she got better.

She expressed to my cousin Jenny and I her wished to go to Korea this winter.

No matter how weak she was, she wanted us to be her support as she revisited her home.

I think by that point, she had accepted her limited time left on earth.

I wish we could have done that for her.

I'm glad I at least got to see her one more time

last Sunday.

Her face lit up when she saw my brother and me.

She was so happy, but I saw that she wasn't doing well.

I told her she looked good,

that her hair was growing back well.

How I was jealous her eyebrows were so naturally shaped.

I promised her that I would come back and visit her again

as soon as I came home for winter break.

I'm sorry it turned out like this.

I'm sorry you're gone,

and I really hope you're in a much better place now.